Fire

I have no idea why I decided to call him at 4:50 am this morning. It wasn’t due to a moment of weakness. You know, when your heart aches and wants so desperately to hear that voice that makes you feel comfortable. Nope. I just called. And it broke my heart to know that he could have died last week. His place caught on fire. He was at work though. My heart SANK. Him explaining this story hurt worse than when he told me “I don’t feel the same way…I’m sorry.” I would have rather heard those words.

I never realized how much I cared for him. I mean, I knew I loved him, but to have him out my life by way of d—h is not what I want. No matter how many times I told him I wanted him gone.

So, I’ve ultimately come to the conclusion to stop burning bridges with people I care about. My heart is still aching…thinking about the possibility of his permanent absence.

Something buoyant.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

I Couldn’t Handle It

Walking back from my fitness class this song came on, and so did the light bulb in my head.

“Slow Dancing In A Burning Room” by John Mayer

Can’t seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.

This is what ultimately killed us. We were lacking that special connection of the physical.

I’ll make the most of all the sadness,
You’ll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can’t understand.

This is us. Was us. You understanding that “thats just how I am” and making the best of the situation. And me, being a bitch because “thats just how i am”. Using my words as daggers to make you feel the pain you caused me every time you gave me a little hope of something more. I couldn’t handle it.

We’re going down,
And you can see it too.
We’re going down,
And you know that we’re doomed.
My dear,
We’re slow dancing in a burning room.

Maybe I could see it and didn’t want to face the reality of us not ever being back like we were. And it hurt.

Don’t you think we oughta know by now?
Don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow?

After trying so many times to make the puzzle fit together…we should’ve known. We should’ve learned.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Thinking…bitch Part II

Thinking. Yet again. About my insecurities. Zeus. School. Money. Love. Love. Love. Judgment. The kids. My health. My weight. Sex. Pain. Tears and why I still have some left. The Professor. Rejection. Excitement. Danger. You. Me. US. Your fingers. Poetry. Spoken word. Drugs. Alcohol. More alcohol. “friends”. My father. My mother. Growing up. Security. Random as all hell. Death. Fear. Hate. 11:11 and how I always make it, and dedicate it to you with a *4hk&h*. New Love. Where to find it. My past. My present. Who’s going to be crazy enough to take a chance on me? 21. SAGITTARIUS. Solitude. Suicide. TWLOHA. I’m just thinking. Just thinking.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Boyz II Men- Can You Stand The Rain

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Entrapment.

I thought about trapping him before. I thought maybe if we have a child together he would be in love with me instead of just love me as a friend. My dumb ass. Does that method ever really work? Children who are brought into the world this way will always be at a disadvantage. But I really considered it. I told myself “It would be okay, because my parents and my Granny and my friends -especially Kamille- would be there for me.” I picked out names. I mapped out a money plan. I was set. I was ready to have a baby with a man that I loved. I was ready to put my life on hold, just to have this man love me back.

I stepped back.

“Tiffaney think about why you went to college.”

“Do you even remember?”

Yeah, I remembered. And that is the only thing that stopped me. Not the fact that the love of my life didn’t love me, but the struggle. Many people don’t know my life struggles, and many people won’t. I didn’t always want to go to college. I wanted to go to the NAVY, my father was pissed. But that’s neither here nor there.

The point is, I was one of those girls I talk about. The ones who were beat over some nigga that didn’t love them. “How desperate?”. And love blinded me. It’s not an excuse for my stupidity, but any female that has been in love understands where I’m coming from.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Zeus

What can I say? Better yet, what did you expect? Let me back up. Zeus and I had a very long conversation, where I did most of the talking.

“I love you and I always will, but I can’t be in love with you anymore.”

Which is true. This epiphany came when I was crying, yet again, about why he and I couldn’t be together.

I said to my best friend Marteesha “I’m never going to be good enough for him.”

Two seconds went by and I snapped out of that bullshit. I still can’t believe I let those words escape the confines of my mind. I will always be good enough for him. He is not above me and I will never sink that low again. This is the one time that never will hold true.

So where are we now you ask? Friends, who will always have a flame for each other. I don’t think we can control ourselves. As I write this, my breathing is still heavy from our late night convo. Every muscle in my body is relaxed, thanks Zeus. His girlfriend? Oh, she knows what’s going on. The pictures, the late night convos, and the fact that he can’t tell me no. Oh well, he aint my boyfriend.

I’m not playing the fool again. No sir, not after that ordeal. I’m also not going to be bitter and sabotage my future relationships with “Zeus did this” and “Zeus did that”. I’m not letting Zeus destroy my trust for others. It simply wouldn’t be fair. So I say to my future significant other “Don’t worry about my past, you are my present.”

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

You’re Dead to ME

So he has a girlfriend. I knew this day would come, and yes my world is shattered at the moment. I honestly want her and her whole family dead. I want them all to die the most horrible death…like being stuck in a burning car that falls off a bridge, as it explodes, into shark infested waters. Him? I don’t want him dead, I want to torture him. As in chop off a finger a day until they’re all gone and sit him in salt water. Then I want to shoot him in each limb with a double barrel shotgun.

You guys didn’t know I was crazy? Glad we had this talk then.

In my world, this would be perfect. I would be happy. I’m not one of those “If I can’t have him, then no one can” kind of girls. But, when you care about someone for so long, and they take you for granted, you get upset. You become unstable. You’re hurt. You’re America’s worst nightmare. Young, black, and don’t give a fuck. Atleast I know I am anyway.

I’m not going to make that stuff I said happen, I’m not the jail type. I’ll wait for the universe to get him, and when he needs my shoulder I won’t be there.

Dear Zeus,

You’re dead to me. As long as you are with her, or any other you are dead to me. I gave you all I had, put my pride aside, and loved you. I let my guard down and loved you. I waited, my mistake, and you hurt me like the rest of the men in my life have. I would’ve given you the world if you’d asked me to. Countless months crying on that extra long twin was murder on me. I’m tough, you know that, but I can’t do it anymore. I bled for you, when shit got too heavy. But R.I.P to us as whatever we were, because I’m all out of tears. And, I know you probably wondering why you were so special right? Right now were in the same boat, because I haven’t the slightest clue. But do me a favor.

When you kiss her, ask her how do I taste? Ask her how long did it take for you to stop crying when your uncle died? Ask her what happened to your grandmother, and where she was when she died? Ask her what was it that your father said after all those years of absence? Does she know how you felt when they pulled out that machine gun on you?

I’ve been in it for the long haul, and you put her before me? You gotta be kidding me.

Never again,

The greatest thing you ever let walk away.

[all my faithful blog readers..you know what to do formspring.me/TiffaneyB]

The Jig is Up

He knows who he is. Zeus knows who he is. He wasn’t at all discreet about it either. Question after question my heart rate inscreased, all through nervous laughter.

“Are you going to post something on your blog after we get off the phone?”

My body turned ice cold for a second.

“Am I on your blog?”

Butterflies.

“Do I have a secret name on your blog?”

Never say never.

he’ll never find my blog.
he’ll never figure out Zeus was him.
he’ll never hurt me like the rest.
he’ll never take me for granted.

Funny huh?

But, I wanted to scream. I actually want to scream now, while holding back tears of course. When did he even see my url? How long has he been reading? These are questions I would like the answer to, but will never get. Why not? I’m not asking him! Nope. He was so nonchalant about it. I’m not implying that he didn’t care, just that he’s been marinating on it for a while. But for how long? Should I put us on another break? I have so many questions that won’t be answered.

But let me make this clear, I don’t regret anything I put on this blog. No matter what the consequences may be, because I’m being honest and open. That is not something I normally do with the world. I’m just nervous, because I have no idea what I should do. Maybe I could have some advice from my loyal readers, in my formspring?

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Unthinkable by Alicia Keys

Guess who’s the first person that comes to mind when I hear this song?

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Post Secrets vol. 1

If he ever asked me to marry him I would say yes, and pull out the wedding plans I’ve had since last year.

I’m slowly losing faith in men, even the good ones are cheating now.

Stay tuned.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle