The Hard Questions

My parents never questioned me. They never took the time to look under the
surface to see what I was going through. I didn’t want them to, but they never
tried. Ever. They never did it for my brother or my cousin Kia either. I was
depressed for about a year. I was a functioning corpse. I was dead inside.

I pride myself on being able to hide my emotions well, but maybe if they
questioned me and made the effort I wouldn’t have to hide my emotions.
Everything was always “be tough” and because of that I have a serious anger
problem, I find it hard to trust others, I view crying as a sign of weakness,
and I hide everything.

I was thinking about my unborn children yesterday and how I would have a very
open line of communication with them. If they always seem happy, I’m going to
question that. If they never have any relationship questions or concerns I’m
going to question that. I’m asking all the hard questions parents don’t ask
their kids, because that’s the easiest way to get through. I won’t ever give
them the opportunity to think I’m their best friend, but I will talk to them and
help them. Using fear as a rearing technique is old and encourages defiance, in
my opinion. Parents always use that “been there, done that” line. Obviously
not…obviously fucking not. Because if they did, they would see the signs of
everything they supposedly went through. And if they do see the signs and aren’t
saying anything..their neglectful parents.

So many tears, crimes, and self-injuries can be or could have been prevented.
Parents are so concerned with themselves, they don’t have time to think about
the miracle they gave birth to. But that won’t be me. I wouldn’t wish heartbreak
on my worst enemy, because that pain is worse than anything in this world. So,
yeah, I’m going to ask the hard questions.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Thinking…bitch Part II

Thinking. Yet again. About my insecurities. Zeus. School. Money. Love. Love. Love. Judgment. The kids. My health. My weight. Sex. Pain. Tears and why I still have some left. The Professor. Rejection. Excitement. Danger. You. Me. US. Your fingers. Poetry. Spoken word. Drugs. Alcohol. More alcohol. “friends”. My father. My mother. Growing up. Security. Random as all hell. Death. Fear. Hate. 11:11 and how I always make it, and dedicate it to you with a *4hk&h*. New Love. Where to find it. My past. My present. Who’s going to be crazy enough to take a chance on me? 21. SAGITTARIUS. Solitude. Suicide. TWLOHA. I’m just thinking. Just thinking.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Mommy? Daddy? I have to tell yall some things

I think I’m ready to tell my parents everything. You don’t understand. According to my parents I’ve never had a boyfriend. I never had sex. I don’t drink. I would never have a blog. You get the idea. But like I said, I think I’m ready.

What prompted this?

My mommy.

She kept pointing out my mistakes and the other day I let it be known that it was getting to me and I don’t appreciate it. She apologized. Yes. She apologized to me.

So it made me start thinking, maybe I should open the door so she can enter the world of Tiffaney Danielle.

Where would I start?

1. Majority of my friends are gay, bisexual, or lesbian.
2. I enjoy gay clubs.
3. I am not a virgin.
4. I met the love of my life, but I’m not in love with him at the moment.
5. I hate safe sex, and yes I’m a dumbass for hating it.
6. Yes, that is a tongue ring.
7. The lingerie I bought is not for Halloween.
8. Mom, sometimes I think I’m better than you, because I went to college. (but I know I’m not)
9. I lied to yall…a lot of times about a lot of things.
10. Did yall really think I was with Ashanti at her house that many times?

These are just my top ten safe choices, other things would break their hearts. But, this is a delicate situation. I honestly don’t know how they would react, but I’m ready for it. I’m 20, I can’t hide my life forever. *sigh* Tiffaney Danielle what are you doing to do?

I don’t know. But we’ll see where this goes.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Prima Ballerina

For ten years I danced. From age two to twelve I did ballet, tap, and jazz. I loved it, especially tap. But for the passed year I have found myself enraptured in ballet. Stretching, practicing my leaps, pirouettes, etc. I can still remember my father taking me to go see The Nutcracker and the heartbreak of us leaving early, because he thought it was boring. But I still remember how the ballerina twirled effortlessly through the props on stage. It was beautiful.

But I said all that to say that…I am minoring in dance. I’m nervous. What will my parents say? Am I even good enough? Am I too old? Is it pointless? What if they think I’m really good? Should I pursue this? I am aware that I don’t have the typical ballerina body, the torso atleast. My legs are strong ass hell and my arms are 90% stronger than I remember.

What will my parents say? They can’t say its pointless, because they paid for ten years of dance lessons. Maybe I could double minor. No. They won’t even consider me messing up my “important” classes for some dance classes. We’ll see where this goes.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

*I must really love all my readers, because I’m sharing personal thoughts more and more with each post*

Coffee, Toast, and Aggravation..

This morning I was putting my curtains back up..no problem right? Wrong.
I had to nail the rods back in so duh! my curtains could go back up. My mother sleepily stumbles into my room and asks what I am doing. I tell her putting my curtains up..she says ok and crawls back into bed. Five minutes later my father comes out yelling at me saying it to early to be hammering.

Fun Fact #1: It was about 7:30 am
Fun Fact # 2: My landlord hammers, drills, and everything else @ about 7:30 am.
Fun Fact #3: They never ever complain about the landlord doing house work early in the morning.

So..after I tell my fatha ok can u let me finish I only have 1 nail to hammer and he says OK..my mother comes back out and says Tiff! Its too early to be hammering..wait and do that later.

Ugh get me the fuck out this house…so then..

She wanted me to clean my room last night because my relatives are visiting and I’m getting my new bed today. I fell asleep..cuz my body told me to. So she gets up to start her day and she gets mad lyk..Why didn’t u clean ya room last night..blah blah fuckin blah..

Fun fact #1: my room is already clean
Fun fact #2: they haven’t arrived yet [the movers or the relatives]

so why is she mad? So I’m like they not even here yet. She says oh watever I don’t wanna hear your logic. Wtf?? You just bein dumb then.

Floating thought- Now that my room is clean and after the movers deliver my bed..who is gon be all up in my room? No one. So who does it matter to my relatives.

So then she says some smart little comment..i ignore her and continue to daydream about going back to college..

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle’