Fire

I have no idea why I decided to call him at 4:50 am this morning. It wasn’t due to a moment of weakness. You know, when your heart aches and wants so desperately to hear that voice that makes you feel comfortable. Nope. I just called. And it broke my heart to know that he could have died last week. His place caught on fire. He was at work though. My heart SANK. Him explaining this story hurt worse than when he told me “I don’t feel the same way…I’m sorry.” I would have rather heard those words.

I never realized how much I cared for him. I mean, I knew I loved him, but to have him out my life by way of d—h is not what I want. No matter how many times I told him I wanted him gone.

So, I’ve ultimately come to the conclusion to stop burning bridges with people I care about. My heart is still aching…thinking about the possibility of his permanent absence.

Something buoyant.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

I Couldn’t Handle It

Walking back from my fitness class this song came on, and so did the light bulb in my head.

“Slow Dancing In A Burning Room” by John Mayer

Can’t seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.

This is what ultimately killed us. We were lacking that special connection of the physical.

I’ll make the most of all the sadness,
You’ll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can’t understand.

This is us. Was us. You understanding that “thats just how I am” and making the best of the situation. And me, being a bitch because “thats just how i am”. Using my words as daggers to make you feel the pain you caused me every time you gave me a little hope of something more. I couldn’t handle it.

We’re going down,
And you can see it too.
We’re going down,
And you know that we’re doomed.
My dear,
We’re slow dancing in a burning room.

Maybe I could see it and didn’t want to face the reality of us not ever being back like we were. And it hurt.

Don’t you think we oughta know by now?
Don’t you think we shoulda learned somehow?

After trying so many times to make the puzzle fit together…we should’ve known. We should’ve learned.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

The “I Have A Man” Excuse by Jerry LaVigne Jr.

What can I say? The man is a comical GENIUS!

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Stay where you belong

Where do I begin my loves? I’ll start with something light.

So my ex is out of jail.

I got a call from him last week.

“Hey”

Fuck “Hey”

“How you been?”

“Good”

“Nathasha misses you” (his daughter)

“I miss her too”

“I miss you”

“………”

The thing you have to understand is that we haven’t been together in over four years. So this whole “I miss you” thing is throwing me for a loop right now. Before he went to jail we weren’t together so why is he acting like I was going to hold him down while somebody was holding him down? But I digress. I want to know who his lawyer is. I didn’t expect to see him again until I was out of grad school in my career, now this psycho is hitting me up wondering when the hell I’m going to come visit him. Um…newsflash…I’m…going to wait to tell you guys that story =].

Needless to say, my summer just got a little more interesting. Stay tuned.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

When will my heart beat again?

Video: When Can I See You Again by Babyface*

I’m broken in the most beautiful way possible.

What am I supposed to do when the next person wants capture my heart? I can’t
trust anyone, and this song reminds me of why.

“When does the pain ever end?”

I’m sitting in the dark, mind occupied, listening to this song wondering when
I’ll stop being so suspicious. I keep thinking about the possibilities of
the next one tearing my heart to shreds.

“When will the tears stop falling…”

I don’t know when they’ll stop, but I know who’s willing to wipe them away.
Crazy right? That I have the power to be happy but my past won’t let my head
tell my heart its okay. It may not make sense to you if you’ve never experienced
heartbreak.

“When can I breathe once again?”

I want to know what it feels like to smile all day without the constant reminder
of this hole in my chest.

The problem is that I don’t want the [next] to just be a distraction. That’s not
fair to them. How do I make it make sense to them? I’m not going to lie, I’m
scared to death of what the [next] is going to do with my heart and that’s
what’s half stopping me. But to have them help me pick up the pieces of my
shattered being is peaceful. It would show me that someone cares enough to want
to see me whole again, and that small piece is what drives me. I just hope that the [next] will give me butterflies, forehead kisses, never ending hugs, will wipe my tears away, will make me smile uncontrollably, will have the confidence to look passed my past, and will add to this list of things that make me feel whole again.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

The Hard Questions

My parents never questioned me. They never took the time to look under the
surface to see what I was going through. I didn’t want them to, but they never
tried. Ever. They never did it for my brother or my cousin Kia either. I was
depressed for about a year. I was a functioning corpse. I was dead inside.

I pride myself on being able to hide my emotions well, but maybe if they
questioned me and made the effort I wouldn’t have to hide my emotions.
Everything was always “be tough” and because of that I have a serious anger
problem, I find it hard to trust others, I view crying as a sign of weakness,
and I hide everything.

I was thinking about my unborn children yesterday and how I would have a very
open line of communication with them. If they always seem happy, I’m going to
question that. If they never have any relationship questions or concerns I’m
going to question that. I’m asking all the hard questions parents don’t ask
their kids, because that’s the easiest way to get through. I won’t ever give
them the opportunity to think I’m their best friend, but I will talk to them and
help them. Using fear as a rearing technique is old and encourages defiance, in
my opinion. Parents always use that “been there, done that” line. Obviously
not…obviously fucking not. Because if they did, they would see the signs of
everything they supposedly went through. And if they do see the signs and aren’t
saying anything..their neglectful parents.

So many tears, crimes, and self-injuries can be or could have been prevented.
Parents are so concerned with themselves, they don’t have time to think about
the miracle they gave birth to. But that won’t be me. I wouldn’t wish heartbreak
on my worst enemy, because that pain is worse than anything in this world. So,
yeah, I’m going to ask the hard questions.

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Quote of the Day:

“I don’t know if he’s the love of my life, but I’m going to give him the chance to be.”~ Jacks (Love and Other Disasters)

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Quote of the Day:

“A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got planes and trains and cars I’d walk to you if I had no other way.”~Plain White T’s [Hey There Delilah]

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle

Quote of the Day:

“There’s nothing wrong with looking up at the stars, but you don’t have a spaceship and you’ll never walk on the moon.”~Swedish Auto (girlfriend of Carter)

xoxo TiffaneyDanielle